Hi, there! I'm Tom Oh, and I work for the Global Directory of Fancy Names as Chief of Spellcheckers. I love my job, but it's too stressful and confusing. I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown because this one proves to be too impossible to automate.
Here's what you want to consider doing to help me stick with my job and save my sanity: Standardize! Convert your name into something American. Better yet, limit your usage to a maximum of two vowels, three consonants, and one syllable. Here are tips tailor-made for each difficult case:
All Polish named Trewleszcka, Kryszscszxtopfpfpf, and Kieszlsclowskscki: You really think that's funny? Will you ever learn to use more vowels? There are five to choose from, and you can combine any of them in endless variety.
All French, beginning with Therese of Liseaeaxueaux: You're such a superfluous bunch! Enough of those pretentious vowel combinations and diacritical marks that twist our lips and complicate our lives even more!
All Greeks named Papapapadadadadadakitis Karakarakarakarakeidis: Why are you so fond of repetitious syllables? Why? Isn’t once more than enough?
All Germans with names that rhyme with Borschsckht, Tchkottkckchke, and Suzammenfassungdeschlalsstraaft: I really hate you all. I swear to God. Andwhyareyousofondofcompressingeverythinginjustonewordwhenitseasiertoseparatethings????
All Dutch surnamed Nijmegjejendjtdckt: You’re even worse than the Germans!
All Russians named Bresziziziziziziznski. You’re not as bad as the Greeks, but try
to shorten your names and strive for a little variety, okay?
All Thais named Chulalongkornpatiptipitkorntipirit Porntipnakirunkanok: Will you please abbreviate? Isn’t Chula or Porn a lot more practicable?
All Indians with near-palindromic names like Vaishnaryasegnanasegaramalayalam: You think that’s cute? Not anymore!
All Hawaiians christened with something like Nukoualoafuaoaua’ofa: Look, it’s no longer amusing. There are other consonants to choose from. And what’s with that apostrophe? It doesn’t make sense. Not at all.
All Turkish named with something like Czsicksechmihalyi: Don’t even think I’ll cite other examples!
All Portuguese named Ronhaldo: What’s with the extra ‘h’? Delete the extraneous! Now!
To all Finns named Heinekken: You could use just one 'k' to make the world a safer place!
To all Swedish, Norwegians, and Danes: Look under “Dutch.”
To all Czechs, Hungarians and Bulgarians: See “Polish,” “Russian,” and perhaps even “Turkish.”
To all Chinese, Koreans, Burmese, and Vietnamese: I love you. You’re the most wonderful people on this planet.
To Michelle Pfpfpfffppfffiffppfffer and Jake Glllyllyenhhhaalllaallallll: Please see me personally. We'll try to fix things (wink).